retrospect.

Growing up my father always told me i was beautiful.
That was his job i suppose.
He never made me self conscious about my lisp.
In fact when i was younger i was not aware i had one.
The day i became aware of it though, i could feel myself shrink.
And every time i became aware of a "flaw" i would get the same feeling.
As big as i am, i felt so little.

I remember the first time i gave my body to a someone.
Such a lovely experience.
I remember being so scared to show myself.
I remember thinking he wouldn't love me anymore after the first time.
Why?
The two razor bumps i gave myself the day prior.
Now that i recall my thoughts
I laugh at myself.
Razor bumps.
Now i know
Those things only bother boys.

I remember being told i was not worthy of love.
I sat at the kitchen counter staring at my phone.
Confused.
Hurt.
Angry.
But mostly confused.
How did he even reach this conclusion?
I asked myself.
In that moment i could feel something grip my neck.
It was warm.
A hand i think.
Its grip gradually tightening.
Eventually it seemed like i could not breathe.
I got up from the counter.
Took a shower
And cried myself to sleep.
The next day i went to his house
And told him to go fuck himself.

I have loved many people in my life.
For me people are not hard to love.
I have fallen in love with only a few.
To fall for someone who cannot catch you is nothing short of a tragedy.
That's what my mother told me once.
She was right.
What she failed to tell me
Is the challenge i would face with truly trusting a man to catch me.
I could never bring myself to trust boys
But i wanted to be able to trust a man.
It's hard to allow people to be close to you.
It's something you have to be ready for,
And i thought i was.
But this flower has more blooming to do before she can be picked.

-k.e.