who is this?

I haven't cried this long and this loud in quite a while. I feels good and it feels bad. I have a headache that's really fucking with my sinusitis right now. I expect that I'm going to sneeze like 50 times consecutively in like 5 minutes.
I am literally shaking. Surprised that I can still type this well in this moment, but since I was about 8 I've been susprising myself. This is nothing new.

I'm upset.
Why?
Because I lost myself. Somewhere between trying to be a good partner and friend and person to lean on, I lost myself somewhere along the way and truthfully for what seems like forever (the past 8 months or so), I've been fighting to just get a glimpse of who I know myself to be.

who is this?

The last time I felt this way I was maybe 15 or 16. Even then I had gotten a few glimpses of myself. I'm 23 now and it feels like I'm trying to find a needle in a hay stack. I really don't have anyone else but myself to blame. I haven't been giving attention to myself. No maintenance. And well we all know what happens when you don't give things that are important attention.

who is this?

I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps it's this blog post. Perhaps its gonna be later down the road this year. I don't really care for time frames, I'm really just interested in finding myself again. At some point. I don't even know what else to say lol.

Love, Kamilah.

home.

lemonade.
chairs you can't sit in.
the mess in the laundry room.
mom yelling down the stairs because we're moving too slowly.
it's 7am.
the smell of burnt toast and egg creeps into the living room,
and those annoying black birds sit outside my window.
i am so used to all this.
i am so in love with all of this.
the space i grew up in.
the space i changed in.

home.

i've always thought of home as a place; a building.
i've always thought of home as bound by walls and fences.
i remember the first time i felt comfort in your arms.
the same comfort i feel when im in my room.
and for one that moment
you felt like that one place i really love.
home.

now that i am older.
and i'd like to think wiser;
i understand what "home is where the heart is" means.
and darling my home is you.

- k.e.

vulnerbality

"open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc"
"open to assault; difficult to defend"

It's difficult.
You know.
Feeling weak.
Feeling less than.
Feeling exposed.
It's difficult to cope with; especially at a young age.
And there's nothing in the world that can make you feel comfortable in a moment of weakness.

I remember one time in my life,
I shared myself with what i thought was a man.
But it turns out he was a boy.
He did not respect my temple.
He did not respect my decision to share my soul with him.
Vulnerability means people seeing you for what you are.
There is no cover to save you.
Nothing to help contort you.
Nothing to enhance you.
There's just you.
Raw.

The funny thing about the dynamic of my experience,
Was that I did not choose to share myself.
The vulnerability was not a choice.
It was forced upon me.
And that makes the difference.
See when you make the choice to show yourself you can control yourself.
You have the chance to brace yourself.
Control your emotions.
But when you're forced into it,
It feels like you've been hit by a bus.
A big blue bus.
My experience I don't think was unique.
What i think was unique was my response.

After the initial shock of realising i had been seen,
My first response was to be quiet.
Not lay low.
If you know me, you'll know that im incapable of laying low.
What i mean is,
I shut my mouth.
I listened to myself.
I gave close time and attention to my thoughts.
To my feelings.
That was the only way i was gonna be able to deal with my own emotions towards it.
Like i said, when exposure is forced upon you, your emotions go wild.
So my first task was to restore order to me.
To Kamilah.
And even though my age at the time indicated immaturity,
I think that was a mature move that i made.
It was tough.
It wasnt any walk in the park but I did learn the very important lesson
Of listening to myself.
Like truly listening to myself.
It's not something a lot of people do.
Naturally because we seek acceptance from others, 
Therefore we tend to listen to each other instead of listening to ourselves first.

The second thing i did was own it.
I owned the action without defending it.
By definition vulnerability is described as difficult to defend.
Logic: why try to defend it the action then?

Truthfully i chose to not defend it because, i knew that the approval of people who didn't know me,
Was DUMB.
I didnt have anything to prove to anyone.
It's important in any situation to remember that you are only to answer to yourself.
People have asked me about it. 
I respect those people. And i share my complete story every time im asked.
People have thrown shade, assuming that i have let my past become an insecurity.
Lol at them.
The truth is, owning up to whatever it is that you've done is hard,
It takes courage.
But it's necessary. It grows you.
And it matures you unlike any self help book out there.
Being real with what you've done in the past is an adult thing.
And excuses arent needed either.
Leave those out.
Once i dealt with my emotions and owned up to what my actions were,
I started to cope with being exposed well.
In fact. 
After a while that vulnerability turned into liberation.
It made me see the benefits of being open and honest with myself and with the world.
I dont regret it.
And i never will.
Everything happens for a reason.
And sometimes we have to learn lessons in private, or in front of everyone.
And for no reason should you be ashamed of learning.
Or growth.
Or experience.
And for no reason should you feel like being vulnerable is the end of the world.
It isn't.
Instead vulnerability is a blessing.

Love, Kamilah.

21.

21 is not a big number.

it's not like say 50. 

it's a number that still has some ways to go.

still has a lot of growing to do.

but now that i am 21,

some things have become clear.

1. Mistakes are allowed.
2. Everything is temporary, no matter how permanent it seems at the time.
3. Work on your patience.
4. Forgive.... and forget. Both are an important part of healing for you. Don't hold on to things. (this lesson is hard I know I struggle too but keep going).
5. Failure is part of success.
6. You are magical. God made you so. Don't ever let any other human being tell you differently.
7. Don't be afraid to speak up. Say what matters to you.
8. God gives us second chances. He also gives third chances. And fourths and fifths... lol, you get the point. 
9. Even though your parents have made you feel that way growing up, the earth actually doesn't revolve around you.
10. Remember that people are different. Be sensitive to that at all times.
11. Show people you care. Don't just say it, show it.
12. Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth.
13. Surround yourself with people who are going somewhere. Dead weight isn't good for you.
14. Strive to be a person of integrity. 
15. Be thankful for what you already have. Focus on the things you don't have and you'll never be happy.
16. Don't look for love. Love will find you. Take your time. Slow down. 
17. My dad has stressed this lesson to me for the past year. I think i get it now: do the things you have to do, so that you can do the things you want to do later on. 
18. Listen more not with intention of answering, but with intention of understanding.
19. Think less about "i" and more about others. Put yourself in the shoes of others. Be open without compromising on the essence of who you are.
20. Meditate more often. Clearing your mind helps you to focus more. 
21. Love. Even if you aren't exactly sure how to give it, make the effort. People need love.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    

Photography by Sian Sue.

Love, Kamilah.

the high.

Sometimes it is so intense.

Far beyond the universe.

No air.

Just space.

Just nothingness.

Never has darkness been so beautiful.

I like it up here.

Wherever here is.

I escape the grip of my thoughts.

They can no longer smell my blood.

They can no longer hunt me.

I am safe.

Addicted to the sound of my breath.

And the taste of my own spit.

Wrapped in the warmth of my own denial.

Calmed by my own lullabies.

The high becomes my home.

My home becomes my hell.

I am unsure of when the transition happens.

But eventually I awake.

The high fades.

The darkness becomes light.

And to my thoughts I again become prey.

-k.e.

Pictures taken by Chole McIntosh.

retrospect.

Growing up my father always told me i was beautiful.
That was his job i suppose.
He never made me self conscious about my lisp.
In fact when i was younger i was not aware i had one.
The day i became aware of it though, i could feel myself shrink.
And every time i became aware of a "flaw" i would get the same feeling.
As big as i am, i felt so little.

I remember the first time i gave my body to a someone.
Such a lovely experience.
I remember being so scared to show myself.
I remember thinking he wouldn't love me anymore after the first time.
Why?
The two razor bumps i gave myself the day prior.
Now that i recall my thoughts
I laugh at myself.
Razor bumps.
Now i know
Those things only bother boys.

I remember being told i was not worthy of love.
I sat at the kitchen counter staring at my phone.
Confused.
Hurt.
Angry.
But mostly confused.
How did he even reach this conclusion?
I asked myself.
In that moment i could feel something grip my neck.
It was warm.
A hand i think.
Its grip gradually tightening.
Eventually it seemed like i could not breathe.
I got up from the counter.
Took a shower
And cried myself to sleep.
The next day i went to his house
And told him to go fuck himself.

I have loved many people in my life.
For me people are not hard to love.
I have fallen in love with only a few.
To fall for someone who cannot catch you is nothing short of a tragedy.
That's what my mother told me once.
She was right.
What she failed to tell me
Is the challenge i would face with truly trusting a man to catch me.
I could never bring myself to trust boys
But i wanted to be able to trust a man.
It's hard to allow people to be close to you.
It's something you have to be ready for,
And i thought i was.
But this flower has more blooming to do before she can be picked.

-k.e.