who is this?

I haven't cried this long and this loud in quite a while. I feels good and it feels bad. I have a headache that's really fucking with my sinusitis right now. I expect that I'm going to sneeze like 50 times consecutively in like 5 minutes.
I am literally shaking. Surprised that I can still type this well in this moment, but since I was about 8 I've been susprising myself. This is nothing new.

I'm upset.
Why?
Because I lost myself. Somewhere between trying to be a good partner and friend and person to lean on, I lost myself somewhere along the way and truthfully for what seems like forever (the past 8 months or so), I've been fighting to just get a glimpse of who I know myself to be.

who is this?

The last time I felt this way I was maybe 15 or 16. Even then I had gotten a few glimpses of myself. I'm 23 now and it feels like I'm trying to find a needle in a hay stack. I really don't have anyone else but myself to blame. I haven't been giving attention to myself. No maintenance. And well we all know what happens when you don't give things that are important attention.

who is this?

I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps it's this blog post. Perhaps its gonna be later down the road this year. I don't really care for time frames, I'm really just interested in finding myself again. At some point. I don't even know what else to say lol.

Love, Kamilah.