vulnerbality

"open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc"
"open to assault; difficult to defend"

It's difficult.
You know.
Feeling weak.
Feeling less than.
Feeling exposed.
It's difficult to cope with; especially at a young age.
And there's nothing in the world that can make you feel comfortable in a moment of weakness.

I remember one time in my life,
I shared myself with what i thought was a man.
But it turns out he was a boy.
He did not respect my temple.
He did not respect my decision to share my soul with him.
Vulnerability means people seeing you for what you are.
There is no cover to save you.
Nothing to help contort you.
Nothing to enhance you.
There's just you.
Raw.

The funny thing about the dynamic of my experience,
Was that I did not choose to share myself.
The vulnerability was not a choice.
It was forced upon me.
And that makes the difference.
See when you make the choice to show yourself you can control yourself.
You have the chance to brace yourself.
Control your emotions.
But when you're forced into it,
It feels like you've been hit by a bus.
A big blue bus.
My experience I don't think was unique.
What i think was unique was my response.

After the initial shock of realising i had been seen,
My first response was to be quiet.
Not lay low.
If you know me, you'll know that im incapable of laying low.
What i mean is,
I shut my mouth.
I listened to myself.
I gave close time and attention to my thoughts.
To my feelings.
That was the only way i was gonna be able to deal with my own emotions towards it.
Like i said, when exposure is forced upon you, your emotions go wild.
So my first task was to restore order to me.
To Kamilah.
And even though my age at the time indicated immaturity,
I think that was a mature move that i made.
It was tough.
It wasnt any walk in the park but I did learn the very important lesson
Of listening to myself.
Like truly listening to myself.
It's not something a lot of people do.
Naturally because we seek acceptance from others, 
Therefore we tend to listen to each other instead of listening to ourselves first.

The second thing i did was own it.
I owned the action without defending it.
By definition vulnerability is described as difficult to defend.
Logic: why try to defend it the action then?

Truthfully i chose to not defend it because, i knew that the approval of people who didn't know me,
Was DUMB.
I didnt have anything to prove to anyone.
It's important in any situation to remember that you are only to answer to yourself.
People have asked me about it. 
I respect those people. And i share my complete story every time im asked.
People have thrown shade, assuming that i have let my past become an insecurity.
Lol at them.
The truth is, owning up to whatever it is that you've done is hard,
It takes courage.
But it's necessary. It grows you.
And it matures you unlike any self help book out there.
Being real with what you've done in the past is an adult thing.
And excuses arent needed either.
Leave those out.
Once i dealt with my emotions and owned up to what my actions were,
I started to cope with being exposed well.
In fact. 
After a while that vulnerability turned into liberation.
It made me see the benefits of being open and honest with myself and with the world.
I dont regret it.
And i never will.
Everything happens for a reason.
And sometimes we have to learn lessons in private, or in front of everyone.
And for no reason should you be ashamed of learning.
Or growth.
Or experience.
And for no reason should you feel like being vulnerable is the end of the world.
It isn't.
Instead vulnerability is a blessing.

Love, Kamilah.